I knew that one day the FIV would probably make him weak, I'd hoped otherwise, but I knew in my heart that he'd had a rough life and I might not have him long. At the beginning of 1997, my dad was very sick with lung cancer that had taken over his entire body. We were all stricken with the thought that my father wasn't long for this world. We were keeping the death watch with him and trying to do everything we could to make him comfortable. Maybe I missed the signs. Maybe I was too preoccupied elsewhere and didn't notice that my beloved Merlin was getting weaker and weaker as Winter moved into Spring. On April 6, 1997, I noticed that my Merlin was acting funny. He was having trouble walking and didn't want to eat. I then noticed that he had fleas and brought him in to the bathroom with me to try to get the fleas out of his fur. I thought that was possibly what was making him weak. I got into the bathtub with him and started washing him and, at first, he struggled, then he went limp in my arms. Blood ran off of him. The fleas had eaten him up. I got my big boy out of the tub and toweled him off and held him, keeping him warm with my body heat. Then I put him down. He was unsteady on his legs and he was crying. Then he started screaming. My God, what did I do? I yelled for my husband and we jumped in the car with my boy and all through the drive to the emergency vet's office I was screaming and crying to Merlin not to leave me. He was limp in my arms, though there were a few times that he seemed aware. Then he seemed to stop breathing and I screamed his name and shook him, hoping it would bring him around. He seemed to get better for a few moments and laid his head in the crook of my arm... then he licked me there. I was so frightened. It seemed like he was saying goodbye to me, still loving me at the end. We got to the emergency vet's office and he was there waiting for us. He took Merlin from my arms and brought him to the back. He left my husband and me in an exam room. He came out in a few minutes and said that Merlin was dying. He said that Merlin was severely anemic from the fleas and that his only chance was a transfusion and even that might not work. He said we had the choice to put Merlin to sleep or to give him a transfusion and then he left my husband and me alone to make our decision. I loved Merlin so much. I was so selfish. I wanted that transfusion. I wanted just a little more time with my boy. Just a little more time. I didn't care if it was hours or days or minutes, I just wanted that time with everything in my heart. Merlin, my sweet, sweet baby boy, took that decision out of my hands. The doctor came back into the room in a rush and grabbed my hand, pulling me back to where Merlin was. He said that Merlin was passing away right then. I went in the room and they had my baby on forced air to help him breathe. The vet tech stood silently administering to Merlin, watching sadly. I fell onto the table and put my arms around my big boy and cried on him. I told him how much I loved him and that I loved him... and that I loved him. He passed away there on the table, my arms around him. I know he had already said his goodbyes to me in the car and he passed gently with the people he loved most around him. I couldn't stop crying. For days I was in a shocked daze, thinking about my boy sent me into fits of sobbing. I thought the pain would never end. A day, two days... a week... I don't know how long it was after Merlin passed away... a friend send me the Rainbow Bridge Story. It gave me so much hope that I would see my brave boy again. And I will. Two weeks to the day after Merlin passed to the Bridge, my dad passed away. I've often thought that maybe somehow they needed each other because of me. Merlin needed my dad as a part of me and my dad had something of me to meet him there. I still hurt now. I'm crying as I write this. Each of our furries become a part of us, take a piece of our hearts with them when they go. But I have faith and hope that one day I will see my sweet Merlin again, and huggle him, and love him and kiss him between his ears. And until that day, I can be assured that he is healthy and happy and full of joy... and that sometimes he comes down to see how we're doing. Of all my cats, or children, if you prefer, Merlin is closest to my heart. I'm sure you figured out that I wrote this in the order the kitties entered my life, and Merlin was last. But he is most certainly not least. When he first appeared, I thought, surely he must belong to someone. He's black, and big, and beautiful. :) Then I saw one day that he had white spots on him, and I just figured I had missed seeing that. One day, I got a closer look at him, and to my horror, I realized that the white spots, were, in fact, places where he was missing fur. :( I figured he wasn't getting any food, so I started feeding him. No mean feat, considering he was as wild as they come. He wouldn't let me get within fifteen feet of him, if I did, then he'd be off like a shot. I kept patiently feeding him, and talking to him, then one day I noticed his paw was hurt. I got worried so I got my cat cage out, and bought a can of food, and put the can of food into the carrier, and lured him into it. I brought him to the vet and they thought I was insane. They asked me to take him out of the carrier and I said I couldn't, that he was wild. But could they look at his paw and give him his shots, and neuter him while he was there? They said they could, and they did. I brought him home, knowing that, if he didn't trust me again after this, that it was okay, he was neutered, and that way he wouldn't make more stray kittens to starve and have horrible lives. I let him loose when I got there, and he was off. I didn't see him again for three or four days. Then he started coming around again. :) About six months after I saw him the first time, I was sitting outside on the porch, and he jumped to his little perch at my feet where he'd taken to sitting and letting me pet him a little. From there he jumped into my lap. I was so surprised I almost fainted. :) We've been friends ever since. I brought him into the house with the other cats and the dog, after I'd had him bathed and checked out once again. I'm sad to say he's got FIV, which is Feline Infectious Virus, the feline version of HIV. It's not communicable to humans, and it's only communicable to other cats through bite. He probably got it from the bite on his leg that initially got me to bring him to the vet. :( But he's got a good life, and maybe with a lot of love and care the FIV will never fully materialize. Merlin is like my little teddy bear. When I take naps he crawls into my arms and sleeps too. And he loves to climb up on my shoulders and drape himself there, like a collar. I love all of my cats, each and every one is his own wonderful person with something to love, but Merlin is as mine as a cat can be. :)
