I heard my husband curse and all I could see were these flailing things. Wings... or... legs... my God... "STOP! STOP THE CAR!" I yelled. I was unbuckling my seatbelt and unlocking my door, I guess that saved me from seeing the worst of it because... well, my husband told me later that what happened, he would not forget, ever, it would be painted on his memory forever.
We stopped in the left hand lane of heavy traffic and I threw myself out of the car. It wasn't bravery, it wasn't anything I can name, I don't think it was even stupidity, or maybe it was. Nobody honked that I can remember. There was a city police car behind us, nothing from them either. All I remember is throwing myself out of the car and standing in front of the kitten so nobody could hit it. When the traffic had stopped for me I went to the car and I think I yelled at my husband for a towel or something, there was nothing so I took some napkins that were on the seat, I guess God left them there for me? I took these napkins and I picked the little baby up and
carried him (I keep calling this little black fuzzball "him") back to the car and told my husband to go to the vet. He said, "Where??" And I found myself giving directions to the emergency vet where Tango died. I held that baby in my lap and stroked him and thought he was dead and every once in a while he'd show me wrong and kick his little legs. I kept talking to him and... he was bleeding out of his nose and around his eyes and my husband kept saying that maybe they could give him a shot to put him out of his misery. My husband knew he was dying. What did he see on the road that I didn't see, that fate saved me from having to see in my nightmares for the rest of my life? One of his eyes was filled with blood, the other eye was still blue, that's how young this little guy was. I told him that if he had to leave this earth to go to the Bridge to look for Merlin and Tango and Raven and they'd take care of him. Every once in a while, on the way to the vet, I would practically scream at my husband, "Daddy, poor baby, what's going to happen? Is he okay?"
We got to the vet and I ran the little guy inside. He'd already died in my arms. The vet checked his pulse and confirmed it. I don't know what I thought would happen. I asked her if they'd take care of the baby and she said yes. I cleaned up. I had blood on my pants, blood or something else. There was head trauma. There was something in the little guy's nose that I wiped away. I don't think it was mucus. He couldn't have lived, I just hope that he heard our voices and that he knew that for a little while, for a few minutes, someone cared about him, someone tried to save him.
We went back to the place where it happened after we left the vet's office. Just in case there was a litter of them. We didn't see any. There are some apartments down that way off the main road. Maybe he wandered away from home. He could have been scared into the traffic.
My husband can't think of it. He says this will stay with him forever and that if he thinks of it he'll start crying. We went to dinner, neither one of us really wanting to eat anything. I thought later if we hadn't missed our turn, if we hadn't been in that exact place at that exact time he wouldn't have had comforting hands and a comforting voice to ease him on his journey. I hope I helped a little. I hope he's whole and healthy and that he's with Merlin and Tango and Raven at the Bridge now and that they're talking to him and telling him how things are at the Bridge, that there is always food, always love, that there are always toys to play with and a human lap to curl up in and that one day he and I will get to say hello and I'll get to pet his warm fur as he lies in that eternal sunlight and watches the butterflies flit among forever flowers.
I'm thinking of it now, thinking of him. How soft his fur was. Looking back in the vet's office I remember seeing my husband in a private moment, running a hand over that still black form. His face crumpled. He would have loved that baby.
We all would have loved that baby.
We talked later and said that we would have brought the kitten home and given him a forever home with us. In my mind he will always be with us. His name is Nathaniel and he stole our hearts in the small time he was with us.
I still think of that day. There was blood on my shoe. One small spot. There was blood on my hands. I feel like Lady Macbeth. Out damned spot.
Gentle Journey little black kitten. Gentle Journey Nathaniel.On July 25, 2003, my husband and I were driving to meet some friends for dinner when we realized we were running about a half an hour early. We decided to go get my meds from the pharmacy first and took the wrong turn to get to the store. We drove up an alternate route and I was telling him about a sad story I'd heard of a father who threw his daughter's kitten out of a moving car on a freeway. As I told the story we were approaching a stoplight and I noticed something in the road. I didn't know what it was. Every time I see something like this, something unrecognizable, something I can't quite see yet, I think, be a piece of rubber, be a bag, be something other than what I hope you are or were, be something other than something alive. The words stopped in my throat as I realized it was something alive.
